Crossroads of Destiny

Hi, yes, I used the title of one of my favorite Avatar: TLA episodes for this post. Who am I kidding? They’re all my favorites.

I’ve been discouraged these past two weeks. I sent out a batch of five new query letters after getting my package edited by an agent and all of them have returned with form rejections. I know this number is nothing. This is, however, my third time querying, and these five form rejections are going on top of ~40-45 from my previous attempts. I know, still a small number compared to the hundreds many authors have to go through before they finally get their agent.

When I finished my first draft of my first book, I told myself and anyone who asked that I was going to get it published no matter what—be it self publishing or traditional. I’m the kind of writer who also talks to her characters about decisions related to the books they are in. I mean, they are essentially just other parts of myself personified, so it’s a lot like I’m checking in with all my parts to get a feel for what I am comfortable with doing (i.e. the fate, goal, and existence of the stories in general).

I’ve been pursuing agents and traditional publishing because I’m terrified of self-publishing. I’m not an expert in marketing and I don’t have loads of money for professional editors and cover artists. I’m tired of doing so many things in my life without a partner to provide feedback or support. However, after trying to figure out why I’m still getting form rejections (this means the agents sends you the same rejection letter that they send everyone, without any specific reasons why your submission didn’t work for them), I think I’m getting rejections because the real target age group (Upper Middle Grade) is just plain difficult to market to.

Upper Middle Grade is that space between middle school and high school, around 11-14 year-olds. The tweens. Why is this difficult to market? Well, in a library or bookstore, where should you put a book that targets both older Middle Grade kids and younger Young Adults? Calling it one can deter the audience of the other. This is also a lesser known age group label, so there are less people looking for or familiar with it. Perhaps there are also other reasons I’m not thinking of right now.

I get it. Upper Middle Grade is a risk to spend time and money on.

I’ve been told to age up or age down, depending on the voice and content. I think this advice perpetuates the problem of lacking books for this age group, which I’ve seen people complain about, but I understand the reason such advice exists from a publisher’s POV. Originally, I wrote this as Young Adult. However, I recently learned it has a lot of Middle Grade elements. My voice is more Middle Grade, but I think the content material is split between Middle Grade and Young Adult. Still, the current word count (96,000) is too high for typical MG Fantasy (recommended at ~65,000-85,000 words).

I recently cut a subplot. That brought me down from 108,000 words. I actually love that I finally made that decision. I’ve looked for other potential areas I could cut. There is one area that might do, but this would delete a lot of main characters’ development, growth, and relationship building. Yes, the plot could be reworked to make the story continue to flow without those developments and scenes, but the story and characters would be weaker for it. It would also cut some of my most powerful neurodivergent scenes that I hope to use to guide and/or comfort kids who may have similar experiences in their own lives, specifically with autism and anxiety.

So, unless I can find new advice, I think I’m stuck at 96,446 words, even though my voice leans more toward Middle Grade.

Coming to this conclusion as to why I’m getting only form rejections, I’ve got this sign appearing in my head that says, “It’s too risky for us. You’re on your own,” which is absolutely killing my motivation to write new queries to new agents. Is the target audience and the word count actually the problem? I wish someone would tell me.

Edit: Recently, I tried to submit a query letter to an agent, but query manager itself told me I couldn’t submit for Middle Grade Fantasy until my project was below 70,000 words.

. . .

That being said, I have a few resilient bones in my body. “If I’m on my own, then what do I need to do?” So, I started researching self publishing and marketing indie books. I’ve done this before in preparation for when I get an agent and publisher—I wanted to help with marketing as much as I can, and I believe that knowing both sides of a business helps the whole business succeed. I just really never wanted to do it all on my own. Nonetheless, I’m researching it again and taking new notes.

One pro that makes me feel a little better is the knowledge that if I self-publish, I get to maintain all my rights and control over the development process of my novel and series. This is the main major con for me with traditional publishing, though I’ve been curious as to what that could look like depending on the contract my agent would be able to negotiate for me.

The main con to self-publishing is… several things. The work, time, and money I’d have to put into it to do it well are major factors, but ultimately, I have the fear that my skills, knowledge, and connections on my own are not enough and will render me invisible. So, I’m having a sort of town meeting with my inner parts, my characters whom my books feature. What do I want when it comes to “success”? Can we face the worst case scenario alone? What is our purpose and how can we pursue it in light of new revelations? I am forcing myself to face the possible reality of nothingness. If I can make that possibility less scary, then I will be less afraid to take the leap and try, knowing I might fail.

I never cared about making money. If I did, I would not be here. My mission has always been “to be a light for someone to hold onto in their darkness.” I also seek to build connections—people to love, encourage, and laugh with, especially in regards to the world and characters I’ve created.

So, that’s my crossroads of destiny right now. Wavering between whether I should pursue self-publishing or whether I should continue pursuing agents and traditional publishing. Also, I’m trying to decide whether I should keep trying to cut the word count and how.

It’s going to be a tough road either way.