Impossible Normality

“I just want to be normal for once in my life.”

Said every neurodivergent, adopted, LGBTQ+, abused, and/or fostered kid in the history of forever. Scratch that, every human ever at some point in their life has felt this sorrow, this loneliness, this pain of not living the idealized life that we hear about all the time.

I think it is not normality that we are truly after. We don’t really want to change who we like or how we talk just so we can be like everyone else. What we are actually seeking is happiness and security. Comfort and safety. We want a life that says, “I’m okay and I am loved.” The idealized life sells us the myth that those feelings only come if we get to go to prom or have a boyfriend or get good grades in school. The idealized life says, “You are only okay and loved if you fit in. Only ‘normal’ people can be safe and happy.” The desire for normality is a placeholder for needs that seem impossible to fulfill.

How many “normal” people are “normal” all the time? We all have our quirks, our faults, our unmet needs. Some people may say “normal” is going to a public school, while others say it is getting an education at all. My college philosophy classes taught me to always question absolutes and expect that there are probably exceptions to generalized rules or ideas. My anthropology classes taught me that culture is change. Normal is fuzzy, because it is based on moving goalposts: perception and majority.

Example: I once read a comic by Steve Asbell where the daughter gets diagnosed with autism, with flapping hands being part of the diagnosis, and the mother character is shown in the next slide asserting, “Everyone does this!” with her own stimming hands.

Other example: I find myself surrounded by neurodivergent people with depression more often than not and often think this is normal now, but when I look up the percentage of depression diagnoses, it supposedly is averaging at about 18% in my country. Of course, that’s not going to be completely accurate, as many people do not have access to official diagnoses, but I highly doubt the discrepancy is more than 50%.

It’s possible I don’t know what “normal” is or how common it really is because I am “abnormal” and surround myself with people with similar lives. At that point, is our desire for what we see as normal merely just comparison to those around us and our upbringing? Normal to me is owning a house and being married with kids, but that’s only because of what I grew up with. Few people I know my age have anything close to a “normal” life like that. Culture is change. Normal is not stationary nor one color.

I say, stop chasing normal. Reframe your mind to look for ways to be happy, not ways to fit in. Happiness looks different for everyone. Some people have different access to means of safety and comfort (mental and physical). Listen to your heart and practice creativity when roadblocks come up. So another door was closed for you. What can you do to find a flicker of laughter to get you through the storm? How can you focus on chasing what else would make you happy and healthy instead of the myth of normal?

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is honourable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.” Philippians 4:8

Note: I am not advocating turning to drugs or anything that might cause unnecessary harm to yourself or others. Sometimes the quest for safety and happiness does mean going through a storm of therapy, recovery, going to/taking someone to court, and/or facing guilt or other emotions life may have brought you. Real life is messy. That is impossible to avoid.